How I Really Feel

Time is moving too fast. Change is coming too often. I’m tired. Like, really, really tired. And it’s not just because my work has asked me to start waking up at 5am two days a week… although, it is a fairly well-known fact that I am a night owl.

Time feels impossible. I feel like time keeps tricking me. Like I’m riding a bike through life, carefree and blissful, and then time points to the sky saying, “Wow, what’s that?!” and then throws a stick in my bike-wheel toppling me to the ground. The sharp, real humanity you feel when you lose your breath and hit the ground; that’s what life feels like right now. Shocking. Painful. Like someone is playing a cruel trick on me just to delight in my trauma.

My Dad and Step-mother separated a little over five months ago, and my Mom and Step-father separated a month ago. None of them live close, so… if I’m honest… it doesn’t feel real. My stepparents have been in my life since I was eight. I never hesitated to call them mom and dad. I’ve always been quick to trust. Quick to love. That love always came with high expectations though, and the disappointment leaves deep scars.

I’m just so angry. Why did I have to grow up with all the baggage that comes with having four parents only to lose two of them at 25?? And not even to death, (that almost would have been easier; it would have been natural), but to bitterness, pride, and stupidity. Sin at its finest destroying the lives of people who once knew God.

And it’s not like I have anyone to be angry at. I understand. I get where they are coming from and how they got to the place they are now. I just want so much more for them. I want them to love the Lord, and each other, and support each other, and have a great community, and healthy, fulfilling lives that are full of purpose. My parents seem okay, but my stepparents are not, and it’s not like I just stopped loving them.

I know the right answers. I know exactly how this short post should end, but I don’t want to tie it up in a bow and make it look pretty. Life is messy. There will be an end to my pain and anger. I will forgive and keep forgiving but tonight I want to give my heart the freedom to be honest. This hurts… and it’s throwing me off my game more than I care to admit.

I know the positive. I’m a super positive person. My life is truly blessed in so many ways, and I am grateful… but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I’ve tried to positive-think-my-way-out-of-pain my whole life and it doesn’t work. So, yes, I know a lot of things are going right and I have a lot to be grateful for. I am aware. I just need to be real about this. Not for anyone but myself. To respect my heart; what it carries for me, and what it needs.

I’m not gonna share this one on social media. It involves the personal information of others, and I needed to write this for myself.

Here’s to honesty and learning to be real with your heart.

Sincerely,

Jess

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